Ire kaluku o lowo Eleda lo wa, Oluwa ko ma gbagbe mi...

Fear is a funny thing isn't it.

I remember being afraid of so many things as a kid and desperately waiting to grow up because in my child mind, grown ups weren't scared of anything.

And now I'm all grown, I'll give anything for the fears I have now to be my childhood fears.

I'm not scared of the world ending on a specific date arbitraly chosen by some religious nut like I used to be as a child. I'm not scared of thunderstorms. I'm not scared of being alone in the house. I don't jump at creaks in floor boards or slammed doors. And whilst I am concerned about world troubles, I don't stay awake worrying that world war 3 is about to happen right this minute.

Grown up fears are realer than all that, these aren't the fictional monsters hiding in the dark, under the bed, or in the closet. These are real monsters that whisper that they will overcome no matter how much you pray, plan, work hard for (or against depending on the situation).

It's the temptation that draws you in again and again, the world that moves faster than you, the hamster wheel you can't seem to get off, the uncertainties, the blank mind, the blank future, the losses. The threat you'll be overwhelmed, be consumed, be destroyed or at the very least, be left desolate and empty.

Grown up fears don't disappear in daylight or sunny days, we have to handle them..how do I handle mine? The only way I know...trust, faith...one breath at a time.


Title is a line from Ebenezer Obey's 'Ori Mi Koni Buru'. Loosley translated from Yoruba the line simply states a prayer asking God not to forget the person saying it and that everyones blessings (good fortunes maybe?) are in the hands of God, and in that vain I repeat...

Oluwa ko ma gbagbe mi.

Xx

Tired or Lazy? The SC conundrum.

Yesterday I went to see a friend on the other side of town. I don't drive so journey was via a multiple assortment of trains, buses and passing through several stations to connect. Took roughly about 3 hours door to door.

I came back home, managed to eat a lil something and then crashed...hard!

Struggled to wake up this morning...not refreshed at all. So thought let's take a bath, soak the tiredness and stress away, listen to some music, sip some ginger/chamomile tea, use the opportunity to throw some conditioner on my Fro...and just chill.

Well it's just taken all in me to wash the soak off, wash the conditioner off and towel down. Since I am still laying here with one towel wrapped around me and one wrapped around my head, I guess we can say I am in worse shape than when I went into that bath.

NB - it doesn't take much to tap on iPad whilst lying down...no strength being exerted but mental.

So the question - is it the SC, did I push too hard yesterday, or even during the week. Or am I just lazy and out of shape?

I must admit this is a question that has plagued me all my life. Because there are days where I wake up so exhausted...even as a child I would wake up tired with no way I could explain to my folks why I was tired, what I did to make me so damn tired.

And I would frustratedly feel like since I have no cogent reason for being tired, maybe it's just laziness.

Notice how I had to explain that I had a tiring journey yesterday to sort of justify my tiredness today....when truth be told I was tired before said journey.

Now my HB when last I checked in early September was cruising at a cool 9.8% which my fellow sicklers know is a fab level to cruise at....so why tired?

Haven't the foggiest idea but now that I've caught my breath, let me get to putting some cloths on.

Could you call on Lady Day, Could you call on John Coltrane...

Maybe not but tonight I'm calling on Gil Scott Heron.

Not so much to wash my troubles away but to remind me of the girl I used to be...and yes girl...because the person I want to recall is teenage URO or even twenties URO.

The girl with curiosity, who wanted to know everything about everything, whether important or not. The girl who watched one Ali fight and decided she needed to know everydamthing about him from Cassius Clay to Nation of Islam to Thriller in Manilla, who hunted down every article, book, documentary she could find and soaked up the information...just because.

That's the girl I want to recall, the girl I haven't been in quite a long while. I can't pinpoint exactly when or where I lost her, it was a slow process to disinterest and disillusionment, to just existing and making the moves, running around that hamster wheel called life.

But I want to find that girl, I miss that girl, I want that girl back.

And as I sit here listening to the music of Gil Scot Heron I feel a flutter of hope that maybe just maybe there's a little bit of her left in me. A little bit of her that this music, this almost for me meditation seance like inducing music is calling to her, whispering to her, encouraging her to come out and play.

Let's hope so.

Title is Lady Day and John Coltrane by Gil Scott Heron...my fav music by him is the cliched choice - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised...

But I also really like Home Is Where The Hatred Is, something about that song and it's message of how hard it is to escape a situation just speaks to me.

xx

I know you've got a little life in you left...

It's been such a long while since I have been here.

Not from lack of want or desire but maybe lack of creativity.

And maybe overestimation of my need to document my M journey. Which is still ongoing by the way, nipple reconstruction and asymmetry coming up next month.

To be honest I am not sure I want to be here...writing this eve. I have no topic in mind, no burning issue to document or ramble about.

But here I am typing, in the dark, on my iPad, listening to a playlist on Spotify...Maxwell currently up...This Woman's Work...if you couldn't tell by my post title.

Listened to Arrested Development a lil while ago, Mr Wendal & Everyday People....classics...whatever happened to them by the way? Fantastic lyrics with fantastic tunes.

On that note, whatever happened to music? I find my iPod and other portable music devices filled with playlists consisting of old tunes, old classics. For crying out loud, I've got Gladys Knight & the Pips and Nina Simone on one of my playlists.

And is there any current hip hop tune as beautiful, yes beautiful, as The Message or Rappers Delight? I think not!

I have also been listening to a lot of Fela. I know the Naija music scene is hot right now but I am not a fan of music simply consisting of hot beats with very little, if any, conscious lyrical content. Of course I am sure there are some exceptions...when you find them, do let me know.

Give me Fela, the two Victors (Olaiya & Uwaifo) every damn time.

So Groove Theory's Tell Me just came on...lordy I love this song. Someone I could sing this to right now but that's another blog post.

And on that note...it's goodnight & God bless x

P.S - feels quite nice to be back writing even when said writing is just a stream of consciousness.