Speak to us of Reason and Passion

Title is from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet.

Big V's literary tastes lean towards what I like to call higher/deeper learning. His reading material tends to be sources of enlightenment and knowledge...so poetry, biographies...Kahlil Gibran, the Dalai Lama etc. In the past he has attempted to get me to read parts of these books that in his opinion will be beneficial to me, help me to find that zen like place within that would aid with my health and general well-being. Suffice to say it hasn't worked, probably because he makes his attempts at the most inopportune moments...when I'm slap bang in the midst of a crisis is mos def not the best time to talk meditation and higher planes and rising above the pain, if the words tramadol or oxycodone aren't coming out of your mouth, keep schtum!!!

But I have read some of these books and whilst they may not have aided in helping deal with the physical side of my being, I must confess that in healthier times I have enjoyed and learnt a thing or two from them...at the very least they make me think and contemplate and reflect.

And right now, at this moment, I've got the passage on Reason and Passion from The Prophet on my mind. 

Kahlil Gibran wrote that - 

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgement wage war against your passion and your appetite....Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to it's own destruction.

So the idea is we must find some balance between in essence our mind and our desires...I initially typed heart but for me (though most may disagree) I don't believe heart is simply ruled by passion - by love, by compassion, yes - but passion to me denotes the throwing of caution to the wind and I don't necessarily think going purely by heart means throwing all caution away.

Anyway the reason this passage is on my mind is because I am trying to find some of this balance in my life. I am naturally wired to be ruled by my mind, by reason...this doesn't mean that the war with passion is not going on in my soul...

There's this quote from a book that's more my style than Big V's...first of all its fiction and it's romance (Judith McNaught's Double Standards)...Big V I suspect would rather gouge his eyes out...but anyway I think it sums me up...

What I am is the confused product of a semi-puritanical upbringing and a liberal education. Which means I think it's wrong for me to do anything, but I think it's perfectly all right for other people to do whatever they want.

As soon as passion rears it's head in my life and attempts to rule my actions, 8 times out of 10 reason takes over. I would love passion to win more because reason is a confining controlling source. Even better I would like to find the balance Kahlil G speaks of, he says to consider them like 2 house guests, writing - Surely you would not honour one guest above the other.

Here's hoping I find a way :-)

Free will v Destiny

This was the topic of conversation between me and a neighbour on our morning commute yesterday. Its a 15 minute journey so I can't say we really delved into it deeply but before I get into that here's a little background information...

I don't know my neighbour's name, in fact I can't say for sure that he is my neighbour but I assume he lives in the neighbourhood as we have bumped into each other a number of times and he is one of the usual faces I see on my morning commute into work. Mr Neighbour is one of those interesting people you come across in life with whom you tend to have the weirdest conversations. The first time I saw him (a couple of years ago) he stared at my boots, the sweater Uggs, for the entire bus ride..then as we got off asked how I got the smell out when they got damped/soaked in the rain...no hello, no hi...just how do you get them to stop smelling...I smiled and said I hadn't ever noticed them smelling and walked rapidly away. Another time I bumped into him and he started a conversation on home renovations, informing me that he was in the middle of a bathroom renovation, apparently updating the old avocado coloured suite...it was a cold windy wintry day and my eyes began watering...noticing he said he didn't realise I was a huge avocado fan...I must admit I found that funny.

Anyway I bumped into him yesterday and the free will v destiny convo somehow began...I don't know how but I vaguely remember talking about Mills & Boon novels and the concept that it can be argued that they are female empowering in that they depict men being brought down to their knees by women...discussion for another day but rest assured that is not a theory I support and I have read, and not ashamed to admit, I own some old copies of those novels!

So free will v destiny. Mr Neighbour firmly believes or at least implied yesterday that we have absolutely no choice in life but what we operate under is the illusion of free will. I disagree. I accept that to an extent...do not ask me to define how much...but to an extent destiny plays a part in our lives but as humans we make choices and deal with the fall out of those choices. I refuse to accept that we are completely under the mercy of destiny because to me that not only takes away our power to determine our life as we wish it to be but it also helps us cop out and gives us an excuse not to take responsibility for the shitty consequences of the crappy choices we may make and the latter more so than the former is unacceptable to me. There are people in this world who make conscious bad choices and should not be allowed to operate under the notion that they are not responsible for the consequences of said bad choices.

Like I said it was a 15 minute commute so we could not delve deeply into the discussion (or according to other passengers argument) so we decided to shelve it till next time...Mr Neighbour did however leave with the parting shot of calling me an 'existentialist'...haa!!! I think not!!!

Religion v Spirituality

It has been a while!

And yet I am still not fully back to the blog...

I just paid a visit to re-read a post I started months ago and never finished...blame Mr OD because if I remember correctly he called me as I was writing and asked about the topic which led to a long ass discussion on religion at the end of which I knew if I attempted to finish the post whatever point I had been trying to make initially would be lost as Mr OD and I had covered issues that went beyond my post.

I have decided to put the post out without adding anything to it today, not for lack of trying, but because I think I'm out of the zone I was in when I began it and adding anything will probably make me veer off point. That's the thing with me, I need to get my point across when I'm in the moment otherwise it gets lost.

Anyway enjoy reading and here's hoping I get my writing mojo back soon.


"I am a Christian. I was born a Christian, I was raised a Christian, in the Anglican denomination. It's not something I feel the need to advertise nor is it something I go out of my way to hide. For me it's akin to race/ethnicity/nationality, it's part of my make up, it's part of me, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I go to church, I read my bible, I say my prayers...or more truthfully I try to do all 3 regularly.


However the older I get I find that I spend a lot of time contemplating life as a Christian. Not so much the Christian beliefs, I'm assuming most if not all Christians subscribe to the basic tenet of Christianity, i.e, Jesus Christ: the Way, the Truth, the Life. But more about the religious aspect of the Christian faith. Church attendance, fellowship, the holy communion, praying, bible reading etc.


Take church attendance, in my thirty odd years of existence and church-going on this earth there are maybe only one or two churches that I have enjoyed attending i.e, that I feel like I have left the service fulfilled. So why do I go? Mostly because I feel I must go, it was drilled into me as a child and it's a habit I've kept up with as an adult. If I don't go, I am racked with guilty...well till about 12pm when I know most church services are over and it's too late to rectify my 'misbehaviour'.


I have recently added bible study to my 'life as a Christian'...and I find I am surprisingly enjoying it. Moreso than Sunday morning service to be honest. I think this is because I find I am approaching it like a book club, the bible is the best-selling book of all time after all. So I let go of my (most Christians?) usual notion that one must not criticise or approach the religion and it's beliefs and teachings in a negative way and it's liberating and interesting and enjoyable....and despite whatever criticisms I have and have voiced I still believe in God: Father, Son, Holy Spirit."

Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about...

No this isn't about Shaft but those lyrics also apply to Raylan Givens!!

How am I just discovering the series Justified??!?

Seriously where the heck have I been and if you haven't seen it...where have you been?

Raylan Givens is the coolest dude ever...it seems my love for Michael Westen is over.

And Boyd Crowder...crazy was never ever ever so appealing, and it's religious crazy too. 

Help! I need somebody...

So today I was told by the lovely SCD nurse at my hospital that I would be referred to a psychologist. Ha!

I think the basis for the referral is the upcoming op and my mental state considering the previous ops. And I'm guessing bursting into tears in the doc's office did not help my case...but in my defense they were short-lived and mostly caused by frustration and hunger (mental note...breakfast...important meal).

But yes I should be getting an appointment to see a psychologist soon. And I am quite sure some of you already think I should have been referred years ago...Ha!!

I told Cuz S about this turn of events and we had a good chuckle over it...see we are Nigerians and as a general rule, most of us tend not to subscribe to the idea of mental or emotional therapy in any form...spiritual and physical are all good...but mental or emotional...that's what family is for...to help you deal with your sh*t.

I remember feeling down during the recovery period after my first major SC complication (kept me out of school for almost a year when I was 14)...Mama's solution...first I was told to read the book of Job (still haven't forgiven her for that but that's a story for another time) and then she took me to visit Tex & Toy, my childhood friends. The idea behind this I guess was to realise that God was in control and there's nothing that can't be handled when He is in control - Job. And that I had people in my life who cared about me - Tex & Toy.

None of this was actually said by her though, there was no 'talking it out', this conclusion I came to on my own with the benefit of hindsight.

So remembering that episode plus the convo with Cuz S this eve about my referral led me to think about whether we, my family and the Nigerians who don't subscribe to therapy, whether we have it right? Or are we short changing ourselves and depriving ourselves of a seemingly useful mental health tool?

I'm somewhere in the middle on this. Family and friends are good...great even...especially those like mine that have my back and will 'talk it out' if I so wish to. But see in my experience, I find that I don't always want to talk to my family or my friends. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to upset them, which it's only natural they will be if I ever tell them I'm not coping well. Other times I don't want their sort of help...the 'Job' or 'be thankful for the positives in your life' or 'there are people going through much worse' kind of help.

All good help but maybe sometimes good help at the wrong time or in the wrong circumstance/situation. Especially if one was going through a really bad time or a really bad situation.

Also sometimes your family may not think what you are going through is that bad, but to you it is...you are at your most desperate and you can't understand why they can't hear your cry for help or you feel that they will see you as being spoilt or indulgent or weak so you keep it all in.

Times like that I really do think it's better to see and be supported in seeing a professional.

But back to me at this present time. I admit I am frustrated but I can certainly say I am not depressed. I can be a moody cow, but truth be told, I have had that particular quality for decades...like Monica sang, sometimes for me some days are...just one of them days when I wanna be all alone...when I gotta be all alone...don't take it personal.

So yes I am being referred and I have decided to be open to it...should be interesting and at the very least helpful...KK's been calling me disturbed since we were kids!!!

Did you recognise The Beatles in the title...about time the fab four got some love :)

Hello 2012!!!

"I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year,

'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown',

And he replied,

'Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night..."


Excerpt from The Man at the Gate by M.L Haskins.


Happy New Year folks, may God's Hand guide and keep us all through 2012 and beyond :-)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

I was internet surfing and I came across US Weekly's '25 things you don't know about' series. It was quite interesting so I thought I would do one for me. Now these are a mix of character traits, info on memorable events in my life and my likes and dislikes. Hope you enjoy reading. I have tried to be as honest and informative as possible -

1. I am shy. I hate being the centre of attention and I hate big public gatherings. But when I am in a setting in which I am comfortable I have the tendency to get loud and talk too much...I don't really like that about myself.
2. I hate shopping. The noise, the crowds, the decision making...hate hate hate.
3. I think I am very easy going. You may disagree but of course you will be wrong.
4. I am a people pleaser. I hate when anyone around me is uneasy or unhappy. Which means I also used to be a peace maker. I say used to be because I am consciously training myself to not give a damn.
5. My folks think I am harsh and unbending when it comes to family matters. I prefer to think of it as me being realistic and them as being soft easy touches. It is and has been my life-long mission to harden them. I am not succeeding.
6. I am cynical about most things and always expect to be disappointed especially by fellow human beings...they are fallible and most times stupid. I include myself in this observation. I have to my distress disappointed others. But I have grown up...I hope.
7. I hate stress in any form. Apart from it possibly causing a sickle crisis, I just hate being under any kind of pressure or strain. As a result I am extremely laid-back. It can be annoyingly translated by people to mean lazy. I hate this...but yes sometimes I am being lazy.
8. I hate honey, the smell and the taste. Stems from childhood trauma which involved using honey as a herbal cure for a persistent cough. Surprisingly I do not hate palm oil or sugar...which were also tried as a cure for the said cough. That was a rough couple of months...also led to a hatred of ginger ale which KK in his infinite 12 year old wisdom thought would eliminate the taste of the honey/palm oil and sugar.
9. I tire of things easily and need to switch it up constantly to keep interested. These include books (genres), tv shows, food, music and people.
10. I do not and have never understood the male psyche...despite mainly growing up amongst boys. What do women want...no my friend it should be WTF do men want??!? Forgive my language.
11. My favourite takeaway is chinese. Second is pizza. But I am not fond of cheese. This as you can imagine causes problems. 
12. I do not find it easy to make friends but I do find it easier to keep friends...that I choose to keep or that choose to be kept.
13. There is only one person in this entire world that I intensely dislike...note the use of the word intensely as there are a few that I merely dislike...I intensely dislike bffl's aunt, intensely.
14. I am spoilt...but not as spoilt as most people think...I hope
15. I absolutely positively dislike cooking, especially Nigerian food. I consider it to be punishment comparable with being on death row. I exaggerate slightly.
16. My favourite colour is blue, the turquoise shade of blue...But people think it's red because I like to wear red, I do this unintentionally. I am subconsciously drawn to red clothing, bright red. I will not accept responsibility for this, it is my subconscious.
17. I am a chronic list maker. It is a constant source of amusement for Mama and KK. I am bereft without my lists and I do not understand how people can function without lists. It is unnatural and in my opinion the main cause of all the chaos that exists in the world.
18. I like my own company. To be honest I enjoy it more than most others. This is a constant source of frustration for Mama and Ramsy. I am not anti-social, it is a family trait, we three get it from Big V.
19. I can be rude and bitchy. I am working on eliminating this part of my character...unless of course the situation calls for me to be rude and bitchy. I intend to use my discretion to make judgement calls.
20. I wanted to be a doctor when I was young...till an older family acquaintance laughed in my face when I mentioned it, I was about 7 years old. I decided then to be a caterer like Mama...till I watched Perry Mason and realised I was meant to be a lawyer...till I practised law and realised no I really don't.
21. As a child I had quite a temper...it is under control now. I also hated KK quite a bit...a lot actually and when the temper took over I chased him a few times with a knife...the bread knife I think. I am still unsure as to whether I really meant to stab him or I just wanted to scare him. Luckily he could run faster than I could so I never ever caught up with him. I usually just got tired of chasing and went to put the knife back...see 9 above. I should also mention that once I almost shot him with Big V's revolver. Luckily, for him, Mama was there and grabbed it from my hands. In my defence though this episode was not because of my childhood dislike of him but because we were playing cops and robbers (or for my Nigerian readers, police and thief) and I thought Big V's gun was KK's toy gun. Adults should really not leave dangerous things where children can reach!!! Also KK will state that this particular event happened the other way around i.e he pointed the gun at me...he will be lying.
22. My favourite childhood book was Journey to America by Sonia Levitin about a Jewish family's courageous and oft times dangerous journey from Nazi Germany to America told through the eyes of one of the young daughters. It was the book that helped me to understand that era of history and appreciate the freedom (somewhat) in the land I lived.  
23. I do not sing in public...ever!! I made a personal decision at the age of 9 for the good of the public. I wish my nuclear family would make similar decisions...except Lil V, his voice is passable.
24. My brain finds it hard to compute mathematical problems. It immediately shuts down at the sight of numbers, especially when mixed with letters. Consequently I do not know the difference between algebra and geometry and any other branch of maths....I am content not knowing.
25. I am not as grumpy as you may conclude after reading this. I am a pocketful of sunshine...I truly am...most days :-)

Title's from The King & I...not a movie I really liked to be honest.


Happy holidays xx