What if?

I absolutely detest what if's, I find them to be time wasting and unproductive. I like living in the present, after all I can't change the past, what's done is done and can't be undone etc etc etc....and yet like most humans I can't help but embark on the what if journey every once in a while. Today's journey was brought to you courtesy of last night's dream of a past love...or should that be a nightmare? Anyway I have spent a significant part of my day wondering what brought on the dream, why I had the dream, whether the dream meant something and worst of all what if things had turned out differently.

I figure the dream happened because I'm back in Lagos bumping into old friends and being constantly reminded of a past life. And maybe because in that past life I truly thought my future life was with this dude...ha, little did I know! I would be lying if I said I don't have regrets but I am practical enough to realise that sh*t happens and life goes on. Living or wallowing in the past doesn't help especially when the other party has moved on and for all intents and purposes is living a very happy and settled life.

So I choose not to continue on this particular journey...boy am I glad there's only 8 mins left to the day. Here's hoping new day, new thoughts, living in the present.

And on that note I am mentally preparing myself for my literal journey back to the UK next week...to the cold, to Nisa, to Livability, and to my male Shatu who I have missed :)

It's been wonderful being in Lagos, seeing friends and family. Didn't get to see everyone...then again I guess I saw the people that wanted to see me and I had a blast with them. I'm a bit iffy on the 'seeing people on holiday' etiquette...see when people come to the UK I go to see them or meet them, I come to Lagos and I am supposed to get up to come see you in Lagos too...mehn the crack you smoke is the good stuff!!!

Do you see the truth through all those lies...

Last night was aaaaaaargh....and so I am making a conscious choice not to let anyone frustrate me or cause me endless worry, stress or sleepless nights.

I am only responsible for myself.

I cannot change anyone, fix anyone but me, and unlike Coldplay I am not even going to attempt to try. I am too busy battling with myself and dealing with my own demons and flaws to try and attack yours.

With adulthood comes freedom and with freedom comes responsibility. I have learnt that just because you can say or do something doesn't mean you should. I let common sense guide me, unlike knowledge, it's free and available for all. And if you possess none (which I hate to say it clearly seems you don't) that's what family, friends, community, church are there for....guidance, listen and learn. But that's all they can do...guide, not change. That's a DIY job.

I have also learnt to let compassion flow and dictate my actions towards others. And I try very hard not to judge. Trust me, you aren't all that either, and you've made mistakes as well.

I know who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I am in constant conflict with myself, some days are good, I improve...other days I regress but always I know who I want to be. How about you?


For the curious this is not directed towards anyone in particular but to the general community I reside in :)


Title is a play on the lyrics of Cry by James Blunt.