Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about...

No this isn't about Shaft but those lyrics also apply to Raylan Givens!!

How am I just discovering the series Justified??!?

Seriously where the heck have I been and if you haven't seen it...where have you been?

Raylan Givens is the coolest dude ever...it seems my love for Michael Westen is over.

And Boyd Crowder...crazy was never ever ever so appealing, and it's religious crazy too. 

Help! I need somebody...

So today I was told by the lovely SCD nurse at my hospital that I would be referred to a psychologist. Ha!

I think the basis for the referral is the upcoming op and my mental state considering the previous ops. And I'm guessing bursting into tears in the doc's office did not help my case...but in my defense they were short-lived and mostly caused by frustration and hunger (mental note...breakfast...important meal).

But yes I should be getting an appointment to see a psychologist soon. And I am quite sure some of you already think I should have been referred years ago...Ha!!

I told Cuz S about this turn of events and we had a good chuckle over it...see we are Nigerians and as a general rule, most of us tend not to subscribe to the idea of mental or emotional therapy in any form...spiritual and physical are all good...but mental or emotional...that's what family is for...to help you deal with your sh*t.

I remember feeling down during the recovery period after my first major SC complication (kept me out of school for almost a year when I was 14)...Mama's solution...first I was told to read the book of Job (still haven't forgiven her for that but that's a story for another time) and then she took me to visit Tex & Toy, my childhood friends. The idea behind this I guess was to realise that God was in control and there's nothing that can't be handled when He is in control - Job. And that I had people in my life who cared about me - Tex & Toy.

None of this was actually said by her though, there was no 'talking it out', this conclusion I came to on my own with the benefit of hindsight.

So remembering that episode plus the convo with Cuz S this eve about my referral led me to think about whether we, my family and the Nigerians who don't subscribe to therapy, whether we have it right? Or are we short changing ourselves and depriving ourselves of a seemingly useful mental health tool?

I'm somewhere in the middle on this. Family and friends are good...great even...especially those like mine that have my back and will 'talk it out' if I so wish to. But see in my experience, I find that I don't always want to talk to my family or my friends. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to upset them, which it's only natural they will be if I ever tell them I'm not coping well. Other times I don't want their sort of help...the 'Job' or 'be thankful for the positives in your life' or 'there are people going through much worse' kind of help.

All good help but maybe sometimes good help at the wrong time or in the wrong circumstance/situation. Especially if one was going through a really bad time or a really bad situation.

Also sometimes your family may not think what you are going through is that bad, but to you it is...you are at your most desperate and you can't understand why they can't hear your cry for help or you feel that they will see you as being spoilt or indulgent or weak so you keep it all in.

Times like that I really do think it's better to see and be supported in seeing a professional.

But back to me at this present time. I admit I am frustrated but I can certainly say I am not depressed. I can be a moody cow, but truth be told, I have had that particular quality for decades...like Monica sang, sometimes for me some days are...just one of them days when I wanna be all alone...when I gotta be all alone...don't take it personal.

So yes I am being referred and I have decided to be open to it...should be interesting and at the very least helpful...KK's been calling me disturbed since we were kids!!!

Did you recognise The Beatles in the title...about time the fab four got some love :)

Hello 2012!!!

"I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year,

'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown',

And he replied,

'Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night..."


Excerpt from The Man at the Gate by M.L Haskins.


Happy New Year folks, may God's Hand guide and keep us all through 2012 and beyond :-)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

I was internet surfing and I came across US Weekly's '25 things you don't know about' series. It was quite interesting so I thought I would do one for me. Now these are a mix of character traits, info on memorable events in my life and my likes and dislikes. Hope you enjoy reading. I have tried to be as honest and informative as possible -

1. I am shy. I hate being the centre of attention and I hate big public gatherings. But when I am in a setting in which I am comfortable I have the tendency to get loud and talk too much...I don't really like that about myself.
2. I hate shopping. The noise, the crowds, the decision making...hate hate hate.
3. I think I am very easy going. You may disagree but of course you will be wrong.
4. I am a people pleaser. I hate when anyone around me is uneasy or unhappy. Which means I also used to be a peace maker. I say used to be because I am consciously training myself to not give a damn.
5. My folks think I am harsh and unbending when it comes to family matters. I prefer to think of it as me being realistic and them as being soft easy touches. It is and has been my life-long mission to harden them. I am not succeeding.
6. I am cynical about most things and always expect to be disappointed especially by fellow human beings...they are fallible and most times stupid. I include myself in this observation. I have to my distress disappointed others. But I have grown up...I hope.
7. I hate stress in any form. Apart from it possibly causing a sickle crisis, I just hate being under any kind of pressure or strain. As a result I am extremely laid-back. It can be annoyingly translated by people to mean lazy. I hate this...but yes sometimes I am being lazy.
8. I hate honey, the smell and the taste. Stems from childhood trauma which involved using honey as a herbal cure for a persistent cough. Surprisingly I do not hate palm oil or sugar...which were also tried as a cure for the said cough. That was a rough couple of months...also led to a hatred of ginger ale which KK in his infinite 12 year old wisdom thought would eliminate the taste of the honey/palm oil and sugar.
9. I tire of things easily and need to switch it up constantly to keep interested. These include books (genres), tv shows, food, music and people.
10. I do not and have never understood the male psyche...despite mainly growing up amongst boys. What do women want...no my friend it should be WTF do men want??!? Forgive my language.
11. My favourite takeaway is chinese. Second is pizza. But I am not fond of cheese. This as you can imagine causes problems. 
12. I do not find it easy to make friends but I do find it easier to keep friends...that I choose to keep or that choose to be kept.
13. There is only one person in this entire world that I intensely dislike...note the use of the word intensely as there are a few that I merely dislike...I intensely dislike bffl's aunt, intensely.
14. I am spoilt...but not as spoilt as most people think...I hope
15. I absolutely positively dislike cooking, especially Nigerian food. I consider it to be punishment comparable with being on death row. I exaggerate slightly.
16. My favourite colour is blue, the turquoise shade of blue...But people think it's red because I like to wear red, I do this unintentionally. I am subconsciously drawn to red clothing, bright red. I will not accept responsibility for this, it is my subconscious.
17. I am a chronic list maker. It is a constant source of amusement for Mama and KK. I am bereft without my lists and I do not understand how people can function without lists. It is unnatural and in my opinion the main cause of all the chaos that exists in the world.
18. I like my own company. To be honest I enjoy it more than most others. This is a constant source of frustration for Mama and Ramsy. I am not anti-social, it is a family trait, we three get it from Big V.
19. I can be rude and bitchy. I am working on eliminating this part of my character...unless of course the situation calls for me to be rude and bitchy. I intend to use my discretion to make judgement calls.
20. I wanted to be a doctor when I was young...till an older family acquaintance laughed in my face when I mentioned it, I was about 7 years old. I decided then to be a caterer like Mama...till I watched Perry Mason and realised I was meant to be a lawyer...till I practised law and realised no I really don't.
21. As a child I had quite a temper...it is under control now. I also hated KK quite a bit...a lot actually and when the temper took over I chased him a few times with a knife...the bread knife I think. I am still unsure as to whether I really meant to stab him or I just wanted to scare him. Luckily he could run faster than I could so I never ever caught up with him. I usually just got tired of chasing and went to put the knife back...see 9 above. I should also mention that once I almost shot him with Big V's revolver. Luckily, for him, Mama was there and grabbed it from my hands. In my defence though this episode was not because of my childhood dislike of him but because we were playing cops and robbers (or for my Nigerian readers, police and thief) and I thought Big V's gun was KK's toy gun. Adults should really not leave dangerous things where children can reach!!! Also KK will state that this particular event happened the other way around i.e he pointed the gun at me...he will be lying.
22. My favourite childhood book was Journey to America by Sonia Levitin about a Jewish family's courageous and oft times dangerous journey from Nazi Germany to America told through the eyes of one of the young daughters. It was the book that helped me to understand that era of history and appreciate the freedom (somewhat) in the land I lived.  
23. I do not sing in public...ever!! I made a personal decision at the age of 9 for the good of the public. I wish my nuclear family would make similar decisions...except Lil V, his voice is passable.
24. My brain finds it hard to compute mathematical problems. It immediately shuts down at the sight of numbers, especially when mixed with letters. Consequently I do not know the difference between algebra and geometry and any other branch of maths....I am content not knowing.
25. I am not as grumpy as you may conclude after reading this. I am a pocketful of sunshine...I truly am...most days :-)

Title's from The King & I...not a movie I really liked to be honest.


Happy holidays xx

Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies...

I am a single thirtysomething year old female of Nigerian heritage.

If you are Nigerian or you have knowledge of the African culture then you know that my clan are way past the 'waiting and hoping' stage and are now at the 'fasting/praying/casting out the demon' stage with respect to my singledom...I jest I jest...well a little :)

But it is quite difficult for them to understand why I am still single, they just can't get it. I mean lets examine me for a second. I have faults like everyone else, such as my vocal distaste and reluctance to personally embark on any and all culinary endeavours, my continuous search for that seemingly elusive maternal instinct...but I am -

• reasonably pretty (a few aesthetic flaws but this is neither the time nor the place), 
• educated, 
• able to hold down a job, 
• able to participate in most discussions (just make sure sports, science and art are not part of those discussions), 
• yet to be convicted of any crime (haha), and 
• most days quite kind, generous, compassionate and loving. 

So what's the problem. If you ask me, absolutely nothing...apart from the men out there being idiots and not recognising the treasure, absolute treasure, that is URO!!! 

But jokes aside, I really don't see the problem except maybe that I don't want to be rushed and locked down into something that may quite possibly make me unhappy for life. Not that I think all marriages are unhappy, I mean Mama and Big V are clocking 42 years next year. But, it's that deciding to be with this one person forever....forever...that's like forever!!!

Anyone who know's me knows that I am absolutely crap at making decisions. I remember crying on the phone, hysterically I might add, to bffl at the start of my masters because I just couldn't make the decision between company law, corporate tax, and I forget the last module.*** Poor girl is so used to my quirks that she just patiently listened, threw in a couple of dear dears and waited me out. 

So how does one expect me to make such a monumental life decision like who to marry???

(I say this like I have 10 dudes right now anxiously waiting on an answer...haa! Don't even have one teehee)

But back to my clan. They do not believe in my inability to make decisions as the cause of this state of singledom, but rather in what they seem to think is my desire to wait for 'Mr Perfect'. I don't know how many times I've been told by well meaning clan members to lower my standards as Mr Perfect does not exist, and besides it's not like I am perfect (say what? That is quite frankly debatable...in my opinion).

Truth be told I didn't even know I had specific standards, well apart from the normal standards everyone else has...responsible, able to hold a job, carry a conversation, can be taken out in public without me having to wear a balaclava etc etc etc...but specific standards that are peculiar to me, nope didn't realise I had them...well erm *cough* wait just one minute...erm, does wanting to be attracted to and have chemistry with the person count as a standard specific to me? I mean I know I don't have a very very strong maternal instinct but I would like to be fruitful and multiply at least once so attraction counts, yes?

Hmmmm, maybe that's where the standards come in, maybe according to my clan, attraction is a 'meh' requirement. I know the mention of butterflies and love may, and has resulted in a 'stupid girl who knows nothing' glare. What could I possibly know about love right? What's love got to do with it? What's love but a good old fashioned notion? What's love but a second hand emotion (seriously Ms Turner, what does that mean?). 

You know who I blame...the west, that darned western education! Seriously did Ovlaria have butterflies for Chief Zebrudaya? Were any of Okonkwo's three wives in love with him? No and No/No/No!!

Disney's hands are also very dirty regarding this matter of love and butterflies. Beauty, Snow and most especially Cinderella need to take some of the blame. That whole Prince Charming lark. Prince Charming does not exist. Prince Charming does not exist. Prince Charming does not exist. Prince Charming does not exist. Prince Charming does not exist.

But wouldn't it be absolutely fantastic if he did, like really fantastic *sigh*

I kid I kid. 

I honestly believe marriage is a compromise between love, friendship and common goals and beliefs. 

Disclaimer - I may be wrong as I am not in the institution and I am constantly being smugly told by married friends, yes smugly and condescendingly for that matter, that you don't know what it's like till you get married. 

But from an outside observers point of view, here's my take. I don't think love/attraction/butterflies is enough to sustain a marriage because at some point those butterflies settle down and that I think is where friendship comes in because friendship entails qualities like respect, compassion, interest etc...add common goals and beliefs to that, i.e the idea you choose someone who wants the same things you do and will work hard with you to get them, then maybe just maybe it'll work.

If I find someone (or someone finds me) that I think I can have that with, then I'll 'settle down'...and finally allow my clan to get off their knees and go eat something already...and if I don't find or I'm not found, well then...c'est la vie.

***If you are curious, the module I ended up choosing was Alternative Dispute Resolution, which I then dropped after two weeks for Commercial Arbitration :)

Quote's from Sex & The City...Carrie Bradshaw.

Phyllodes - to wallow or not to wallow?

I got some news about a health setback yesterday. And that led me to thinking about how we deal with upsetting news. Is there a set procedure for how one is meant to deal with it? I ask because I have realised in the last day that I'm not sure how to deal with it, I'm actually not sure if I have ever known how to deal with it. A part of me would like to wallow but then there's the practical side of me that knows it's just a setback, not life threatening, not the end of the world so why the heck am I wallowing, after all "there are people going through worse in the world". I like to call that latter side of me the 'Big V' effect, he of the "don't you think you have taken enough painkillers" mind over matter statements when I'm slapbang in the middle of a crisis....I'm sure every sickler would agree with me, there is no such thing as enough painkillers when you're having a crisis, in fact we tend to become our own pharmacists as experience has taught us what to take, when, how often and what to mix with what...please don't try this at home, it takes at least 20 years of pain to become this skilled :)

But I digress, dealing with upsetting news is the topic at hand. So I informed 2 people yesterday about the upcoming surgery, Mama and bffl. And it was interesting to see how they dealt with it. Mama of course engaged her direct lines, one to God to 'handle the situation', the other to Cuz S to 'handle me'. Unfortunately I was at a Christmas Carol Service in the eve (St Martin in the Fields, go next year if you can...so good) so I missed the call that would have 'handled me'. I await it as I'm curious to see how she does it, I predict the practical approach. But she did pass the news on to KK who sent a text (cheapo) telling me to not worry, God is in control etc etc etc, you know those kind of messages. Now bffl on the other hand wanted to know 'how I was doing', gotta love my bestie, I feel like she hated asking the question but felt she had to as my bestie and the keeper of the knowledge of my emotions. Trust me if Cuz S doesn't handle me to Mama's satisfaction, her 3rd call will be to bffl so the poor girl is just getting herself ready.

So how am I doing? I haven't the foggiest idea, I know I'm upset at the frustrating nature of the setback and the uncertainty of the ailment and the inability of the medical professionals to give any guarantees, I have been here before...twice...and according to them they can't guarantee I won't be back here again. That.is.annoying!!!! And the fact that surgery for me as a sickler is a whole tedious process of exchange transfusions which I absolutely positively detest.

But like I said, in the greater scheme of life it's not the end of the world. So if I have to pick one, I'll go with I'm doing good for now, it is after all the Christmas season.

Well hello there Mister...

I fell in love last night. Deeply, completely, absolutely in love...with the bass.

Yes with the bass.

As you can probably tell by now I like music but I'm not a connoisseur. I'll listen to absolutely anything at least once and if I like it I like it. Most times, the lyrics are the deciding factor for me so it stands to reason that I'm not too keen on genre's like Classical or Jazz, though through osmosis I have listened to and liked a few jazz songs (thanks Big V and KK).  Which is why I was open to a friend's suggestion that we go to Ronnie Scotts last night...it's a jazz club in Soho.

That is where I fell in love...with the bass...or as he is known to me now, Mr Bass. That deep throbbing sound that you feel more than hear beneath the music, very smooth, very steady, very understated. I think in music we are so focused on the guitar, the piano, the drums, we tend to ignore Mr Bass, oh we hear him but we don't really pay attention to him. Like my Nigerian people will say, we are focused on the effizy (the glitter, the sparkle) we ignore the heart. And that's what I feel Mr Bass is, the heart of the music, the foundation. He's not worried about being ignored, he's secure in his importance in the music, he knows he's the pulse, he's the base for the others, he's pulling them together. I think we also tend to ignore him because when we do hear him, he sounds like he's saying the same thing over and over again but the thing is, if we paid attention to him, we'd realise that he does this for our pleasure and to aid his fellow instruments and that every once in a while he has the ability to go off track and surprise us.

Mr Bass has given me a new appreciation for music, a new way to listen to music. Though I am discovering, in the short few hours since last night, that he sounds a bit different when he is electric. I think for now I prefer him as the double bass and especially in Jazz music. And as what I feel for him is deep, the everlasting kind of love, it seems my education in Jazz music has begun.

Here are two clips that highlight my new friend. The first is an instrumental of Cry Me a River (I like the Julie London version if you want to hear a non-instrumental version), the piano is fantastic I know but you can hear Ray Brown on the bass and he is good...

The next clip is Curtis Mayfield's Pusherman, now I'm not generally a fan of Funk but I have always liked this song because it just makes me want to get up and move. Listening to it again, I realised part of the reason I'm compelled to move is Mr Bass, he's there right from the start of the song...enjoy.