Outside I'm masquerading...

They see the smile on my face,
They assume there's strength within.

'It's not strength' I want to tell them, 'It's surviving',
The world didn't give me a choice but to survive.

I'm screaming within, weeping, crying out,
Hear me, See me, Feel me, HELP ME!!!

But they see the smile on my face,
They assume there's strength within.


Title - The Tracks Of My Tears by Smokey Robinson

He who has begun has half done...

I don't write poetry, I don't want to write poetry, I don't think I can write poetry and I'm most especially not a big fan of conventional poetry. I had enough of that in school. 

Over the last few days I've read a couple of books that have dealt with the themes of hope, struggle, and the general purpose of life especially a life beset by struggles...(if anyone has an answer to life's purpose I'd be happy to hear it).

Anyway these books awakened a little bit of creativity in me (probably because I identify with the themes) and I started writing dialogue which I hope will be incorporated into a story I've been mulling on, but I thought in the meantime I'd post it here. I've pretty much shortened the dialogue into a form of prose...I hesitate to say poetry because like I said, I don't write poetry.

Title - I'm taking a step away from music with this one, title's from a quote by Horace.

That's right, I'm on my own, I'll call my own shots, thank you...

I haven't said one word to anyone today, not one word. For the first time since last year I'm on my own...Big V's left, Aunt J's left, Mama, Lil V and lastly Cuz B, all gone back to Gidi. So I'm on my own...and I'm loving it.

I'm loving being in control of my environment, and just to ensure I'm in complete control, I've blitzed the house. Gone from room to room cleaning with a frenzy, stripped beds, made beds (hate bare mattresses), swept...yes swept with good old fashioned Naija igbale, dusted, mopped, washed and tidied, all on a cloudy rainy sunday when most sane people are in bed.

I clearly accept that there may be a slight touch of insanity going on with me especially as now my shoulders are on fire, my chest aches and I am tired....but hey I'm happy. I walk into each room and look around and I'm happy...yes Dr Lil & Cuz S I agree that I am most likely stupid and irresponsible for embarking on such a mission as recently I've been complaining about being tired. I fully expect your phone calls or bbm's insulting me.

It was worth it though because it's nice knowing everything is in place where I left it. Control freak much? Most def and it seems it's only getting worse as I get older.

Anyway I'm off to get ready for evening service...apparently its going to be a Celtic style service, sounds interesting :)

Title - Control by Janet Jackson.

Its only words, and words are all I have...

Music isn't my first love, heck for the longest time it wasn't even a love. So it's really weird, to me at least, that I seem to have this musical love affair going on in my life at the moment...perfect example, my post titles.

I'm a book person, always have been, hopefully always will be. I have been known to throw tantrums if I find myself without reading material. As a child I fought wars with KK over who got to read a book first. Once I even got my poor mama to phone around late at night looking for a book for me to read...she found me one because she knew no one was sleeping that night if she failed.

Then Steve Jobs came along with the damn Ipod and made it easy for me not only to access music but to carry it around with me. Also I could download a song without buying the whole album...damn him!!! So now I find myself cheating on books with music. And what's worse is that I'm listening to all kinds of music, I'm giving all and sundry a try. I never did that with books....Stephen King books...over my dead cold body will you catch me reading one, and never ever again will I pick up a Danielle Steele. As for James Patterson....hmmph he's on my ish list with his damn Alex Cross (seriously I refuse to believe that dude is black!!!!) and lets not even mention the one where Alex Cross goes to Nigeria.

But music...look at me buying Vivaldi's Four Season's (Spring rocks!) in one moment and then Artful Dodger in the next (re-e-wind, let the crowd say bo...lovely memories). So I'm definitely not a music snob though I stopped short at getting Whigfield's Saturday Night, even though I really wanted to.

However, the songs I like the best are the ones that like I've mentioned before 'speak to me'. Where the words in a line or a verse just strikes a chord within. I remember reading a quote somewhere once that said something like - a song will always outlive a sermon in your memory. 

So I guess that's where my love for books and my love for music connect...words. 

That's it. I'm in love with words.

What a post. Maybe Mr OD is right, I may not be sober tonight :)

Title - Words by Bee Gees.

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made...

Title is from Adele's song Someone Like You. I've got her album 21 on constant replay at the moment, which is probably a huge mistake as a couple of songs on there are thought provoking...but I'm loving the album too much to stop.

Anyway this particular lyric struck a chord. 'Memories made' to me implies you can think of them with something akin to acceptance or resignment. I'd love to think of my regrets and mistakes like that instead of them being past moments/events which sometimes when remembered still cause deep distress....note slight exaggeration going on here, some of them when remembered just cause deep embarrassment and shall never be spoken of.

But then I'm a believer in fate, whatever things I did or didn't do/paths I took or didn't take, distressing/embarrassing, led me to the life I have now. It's not perfect by any means but it's pretty okay. So I'll be alright with my regrets and mistakes being memories made but being the person I am, I'm sure sometimes they'll still cause distress and most definitely embarrassment.

And to totally digress but inform....writer's block still very much ongoing unfortunately. I have the story ideas, it's stringing the words together coherently that eludes me, very frustrating.

And another digression but one related to original topic....Lady Antebellum's Need You Now just came on Ipod, that line...said I wouldn't call but I lost all control...bad bad seriously bad embarrassing memories!!!

The Sound of Silence

Thanks to a friend I've had this Simon & Garfunkel song stuck in my head for a few days now.

I've always found  it to be quite a depressing song, maybe depressing isn't the right word, but it's one of those songs that makes me think. There are a couple of lines from the song that have always stuck with me - Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...and...People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening. 

What I love about songs is that like poetry they can be interpreted in a myriad of ways. I always like it better when I don't know what the author intended his words to mean. It's fun letting the music speak to me. This particular song always makes me think of a lonely world. The idea of darkness being an old friend, of having conversations where nothing meaningful is communicated or where the message gets lost because the recipient hears what they want to hear, where silence grows and seems to reign supreme.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in such a world. I find myself guilty of not saying what's really in my mind, of talking without speaking. I'm uncomfortable letting most people know how I really feel. For example when it comes to my health I'll most likely tell you what I think you want to hear, e.g, 'its no big deal, been through it before, its not the end of the world'. I do this for a number of reasons, to make whomever I'm talking to not worry, because I'm not comfortable talking about how I feel, I think how I feel is silly, or I really don't think its the person's business.

This means that whilst I can talk to you for hours, you'll sometimes find I've probably not said anything deep. There are maybe 3 people I feel absolutely comfortable talking to on that level, bffl, KK & Mr OD, and even they have to catch me in the right mood. It's a flaw I'm trying to change because I've got quite a few wonderful people who have my back so to speak.

And now I find myself wondering why I typed this post and wanting to delete it but I made myself a promise when I started the blog, if I type directly onto the blog I must not delete. So it stays. Which is crazy because Sound of Silence was meant to inspire a short story....sorry Mr SD, maybe it still may as thanks to you, flippin song is stuck in my head.

Can I blame this post on post-op drugs or on my lovely FDs bbm asking for posts:)

A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world...

‘Yeah we live outside Houston; we’ve got a farm out there. It’s quite a way outside of the city so my dad’s going to come get me from the airport. It’s going to be quite a big change of pace from the hustle and bustle of New York but you know what ma’am, I must say I can’t wait to get back, felt lost in New York, the Big Apple they call it. Ever wondered why they call it the Big Apple? Seems a weird name for a city but to be honest, everything over there felt weird, people not too friendly over there, not like in Texas. You’ll see when you get there ma’am. So what’s it like in London, y’all have got the Queen over there right? Wow a Queen and all, and that Prince Charles fellow with the big ears, funny looking fellow ain’t he, he’s the Queen’s son right, heir to the throne. That mean he’s going to be King of London yeah? He was the one that married that Diana lady wasn’t he? Poor lady, dying like that and leaving them two little boys, so damn sad. And they say it’s the Queen that did it. Any truth in that? Kinda like JFK ain’t it? The conspiracy theories, that’s what they call them conspiracy theories, not like I believe in such, they get so out there, them theories, makes you wonder the kind of minds that come up with such. But I guess human beings gotta come up with something to explain what they can’t explain. So many things that can’t be explained you see and it makes us feel better when we can explain things so we make things up. It’s like them people that say there’s no God, that the rest of us make God up to make ourselves feel better. I can’t take such people seriously see ‘cause of course I believe in God. Don’t know how someone can not believe in God, I mean it’s easy to see he exists and all. You just gotta look out in the world, everywhere you see proof he exists. I mean them that don’t believe will tell you different, they’ll argue about the bad things going on in the world and ask what kinda God will let bad happen, but that’s human beings doing that ain’t it, not God. It’s human beings doing all them bad to each other. Don’t know how people say there ain’t no God, makes no sense for there not to be God. But well there’re so many crazy damn people in the world ain’t there. One’s gotta be careful nowadays with all that goes on, you switch on the news and its one bad thing after another, makes me not want to watch tv anymore. Yep I’ll be glad to get back to the farm, its quiet out there, not too much bad going on there, it makes sense out there on the farm. So you say you’re from London yeah? Here for a wedding you say? Your brother’s wedding? So why’s it in Houston?’ he asked, 

As I open my mouth to finally contribute to the conversation I hear,

            ‘Will passengers please fasten their seatbelts, we are about to begin making our descent into Houston.’

Title - You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon