You know you've gotta have hope...

Have you ever looked back and tried to pinpoint that exact moment when things changed in your life, when you moved from one stage into the next. Sometimes it’s easy because some of those moments have markers that are celebrated - graduation, wedding day, birth of a child etc. Other times it’s much harder to pinpoint because the change was subtle, gradual, you wake up one morning and suddenly realise things have changed.

A few times you are lucky and you feel the change happening, maybe you foresee something, or the air around you feels different even though there’s no obvious change in your life, in your daily routine.

That’s where I am at. I woke up on Friday and everything felt different, felt hopeful, like something was about to happen, something great. Today is Tuesday and nothing has changed, nothing has happened, no phone call relaying wonderful news, no gorgeous stranger crossing my path, no numbers coming in on the lottery… but I’m still excited because everything still feels different.

Anyway it’s 7.11am and I need to get a move on unless I’ll miss the 7.25am bus to St. Albans. That’s the thing about living in the boonies, there’s a bus once every lifetime.

I grab my keys and head out the door. As I lock it behind me, like clockwork 99’s dog begins barking his little insane cujo head off, and like clockwork as I begin my power walk down the road I send a little mental curse…maybe today will be the day he meets a bat and greets his owner with a love bite…hey don’t judge, you try sleeping next door to a dog that never stops barking, it's a foolproof recipe for unending tiredness.

I resolve not to let Cujo or his owner spoil my mood and my day continues as normal, idiot boss, semi-idiot colleague, kfc for dinner, eastenders…time for bed….still hopeful.

I wake up Wednesday still hopeful, yep, change is coming. I can feel it!!

I grab my keys and head out the door and nothing, complete silence. Weird I’m thinking as I power walk to the bus stop, I can’t remember Cujo barking all night, in fact last time I heard him was yesterday morning. I wonder what happened to the little monster, maybe he's finally being treated right, I'm positive all that barking is a cry for help.

Great, neighbour 97 is at the bus stop, means the bus is yet to come. I slow down to a stroll, catch my breath, I’m going to need it. 97 is the Dot Cotton of the neighbourhood, knows where all the bodies are buried and will not hesitate to tell everyone’s business.  I barely get a ‘Good morning’ out before 97 launches into what I like to call my morning nutshell version of daily neighbourhood events.

I proceed to mentally spend my lottery winnings, it is Wednesday after all and I can feel change coming. I am just about to board my Gulfstream G550 when I realise 97 is looking at me expectantly. Shit! He asked me a question didn’t he?

‘Pardon’, I say, smiling as pleasantly as I can,

‘Hey, don’t worry’ he says, winking,

Ok, why would I be worried?  And why the hell is he winking at me? Thankfully the bus pulls to a stop in front of us and I make my way to the back seat, leaving 97 to his usual front row seat.

Later that evening, as I walk towards my house, I see 99 sitting on his front stoop. I send a neighbourly wave in his direction and he stands up and walks towards me.

‘You heard about Davey?’ he asks,

Davey, Davey, oh Cujo…‘No’, I reply, ‘is he ok, I didn’t hear him at all last night or this morning.’

‘They took him away’, he cries, ‘the RSPCA took him away.’

I make appropriate sympathy noises and escape into my house, to my kfc, corrie and bed.

I am currently lying in bed thinking about change, I am still feeling hopeful, it’s coming I know. I lie here contemplating in the stillness and quietness of the night. As my eyes sleepily close I realise my change has come, it’s in the stillness, in the quiet night, the peaceful night. No noise, no insane barking, no Cujo. That's my change, the end of Cujo and the beginning of restful nights. 

As I drift off to lala land I make a mental note...don't forget to thank semi-idiot colleague for calling the RSPCA.

Title - Gabrielle's Dreams 

P.S - Cujo is very much alive, at home and barking as I type, poor dog, but a girl can dream :)

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

Title is the tagline from the film The Shawshank Redemption, one of my favourite films.

It's a pretty simple concept, fear crippling you, hope shoring you up...

There are two quotes on hope in the film that resonate with me. Towards the end the protagonist states that 'Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things...', a complete opposite of what was stated to him earlier that 'Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane'.

People who know me well would probably guess that I identify more with the latter quote. A lot of the time life is about hoping, advertently or inadvertently, we are constantly hoping. In all situations, that things turn out for the best, that a positive outcome is realised. Sometimes hope is abstract, oft times it's specific to a particular matter. At all times it has the ability to drive a person insane.

It's that idea of hoping for the best, constantly hoping for the best and having to adapt/adjust when it doesn't pan out. And what's crazy is we keep hoping, even when everything points to things not working out, we keep hoping till the very last minute. It's like cold comfort, and when things constantly don't work out, that's when insanity may set in.

But despite it's ability to drive you insane, I don't knock hope because it literally keeps you alive, keeps you going, especially in dark and difficult times.

Hope and faith (if you are fortunate enough to believe) shore you up and sometimes if you are lucky and the gods are with you, it does pan out, a'la Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, and then you can look back and see hope as the best of things.

If I can help somebody while I travel along...with a word or song...Lord my living shall not be in vain...

I went for the funeral service of an elderly acquaintance of mine today. His name was Derek and we went to the same church. He was in his mid-eighties and was truly one of the nicest, warmest people I've come across in my life. He gave the biggest hugs and he had this huge smile that lit up his face. Every Sunday I was guaranteed at least a minimum of 2 hugs and lots of smiles.

As I sat in church today listening to people's memories about him, my emotions as could be expected veered between sadness and laughter, but I also felt regret. Regret for not taking the opportunity to get to know him better because he took the time out every sunday to seek me out and say hello, to ask after my health, my family and life in general. I regret not making more of an effort to seek him out especially this last year when he was poorly, to let him know I appreciated his kindness, his warmth and his endeavours to always make me feel welcome and comfortable. I especially regret missing the last church lunch he invited me to as his date. One of the last times I saw him was on a tuesday outside the supermarket across the road from church and Derek spied me, came over and asked that I follow him to the church coffee morning he was on his way to...unfortunately I couldn't go because I had pilates and we laughed about that, I promised to attend the next coffee morning but of course I didn't.

Derek wasn't just kind to me, he was kind to everybody. My mama got a hug as well but mine he laughingly always made sure was always more special. If she got a handshake, I got a hug. If she got a hug, I got a hug and a peck on the cheek. That's just how he was, charming and funny, with everybody. The memories in church today were poignant but beautiful. They spoke about a man who lived his faith, he selflessly gave of himself time and time again, visiting the sick, volunteering his time and car as transportation etc. They spoke of a man I would love to know, to learn from; a man I could have known and learnt from if only I had seen beyond my self and my world.

I am glad and thankful that I met him and knew him, even if only as an acquaintance, even if only a little, because that little was enough in it's own way.

Seeing him always put a smile on my face and as I remember you today Derek, I remember you with a smile on my face. I will miss your hugs and I pray that your soul may rest in perfect peace.


P.S - My title is from an old Mahalia Jackson gospel song. Words are simple and to the point. If you've never checked out Mahalia Jackson, please do so, especially if you like gospel music...traditional gospel. I love her rendition of the hymn 'It is well with my soul', hauntingly beautiful. Her voice is amazing.

Ridin' through this world...

I'm not a tv person, I'd rather read a good book. But every once in a while I discover a tv series I like and as I usually discover them after they have been on for years I have a lot of catching up to do. So as one with a borderline addictive insular personality I will focus completely on that series to the exclusion of all else in my life.

I have just watched the last episode of season 3 of a show called Son's of Anarchy. I have spent the last week or so watching all episodes of the 3 seasons.

SOA is a US drama series that premiered in 2008. It's about SAMCROW, an outlaw motorcycle club...think Hell's Angels.

The story-telling is fantastic. There's a Hamlet theme going on mixed in with a mafia mob like element that surrounds the club and then of course there's the drama of the complexity of human relationships, all set in what seems to be a small town in California. Even the violence shown, and quite a lot is shown, hasn't put me off the show. And to top it all off, there are a few funny lines thrown in.

Lastly SOA has hands down the best ever soundtrack I have ever heard on any tv program. Every single song played complements the scene(s) it accompanies and the lyrics...wow, just wow.

I'm just going to end by saying SOA rocks and season four can't get here too soon for me.

Title - it's from the theme song of SOA This Life.

P.S - third or fourth post in a week....hmmm...is the drought over?

I believe the children are the future...

Kids...lets talk kids.

There's this rumour going round I don't like kids, the human variety not the animal...though some of the human ones I've come across are no better in behaviour than the animal ones.

But seriously I don't not like kids. I just lack the patience that's required to deal with them.

I need to put a caveat here now, the fact that my niece and nephew are around at the moment has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my decision to write this post :)

I love Osqd and thankfully they know the aunt they've got and accept me and my rules and quirks. I love them even more now they are getting older and I can relate to them on a level that makes sense. Also they are my family, it's kind of a requirement that I love them.

I will confess though that I barely had interest in them as babies. I mean I loved them in that abstract way you love family members but they were babies and I don't do babies. I can't relate to them. They don't talk, they can't talk...so what do you do with them, how do you know what they want...and they cry all the damn time...for everything...you know..because they can't talk!!!!

But I don't hate babies, I just don't get them. Call me when they turn between 2-4 and start to speak a language I can decipher, I'd much rather 6-8 though when they start to reason properly and understand that tantrums don't work with me....Osqd are such a joy to be with now :).

Also what's with the need of parents to inform you on every single perceived milestone their baby reaches. OMG he/she smiled, they send a picture via bb. OMG he/she sat up, sending a picture. OMG he/she looks so cute in this outfit you got him/her, here's a picture. OMG he/she...he/she...erm he/she...whatever...he/she's alive...did you get the picture?

And then of course I feel pressured to reply to the bbm's, thank God for smileys.

I will take this time to apologise to my friends and family for not enquiring frequently about their kids...it's just well...erm...yeah...I got the pictures though.

Anyway I just thought I'd put it out there once and for all. I don't hate kids. I would like to have kids at some point and BGG I will. And I promise to inform all and sundry about his/her every detail...yep get ready folks cos it'll be payback time :)

Ground control to Major Tom....can you hear me Major Tom?

Is anyone out there? Is there anyone actually reading this blog?

I know a few people have checked it out and a couple of people drop by often, but it's hard to know if there are any regular followers as people absolutely refuse to comment or give feedback. Here I am valiantly overcoming my shy introvert personality and putting my innermost thoughts...well almost innermost :)...on the world wide web and no comments...seriously no comments....note - the SC post doesn't count!!!

How am I supposed to know if my writing (fiction and non-fiction) is good if I don't get feedback. Constructive criticism is always appreciated especially with the fiction posts....please no smart alec pointing out the obvious re the scarcity of fiction posts.

P.S - The lyrics of the David Bowie song in my title doesn't/don't/whateveritslatemygrammarsshot really relate to this post but when I was thinking about a title for the post this song popped into my head. Interprete as you please :)

Also someone suggested I stop with the musical titles. Haven't decided if I will or won't as I didn't intend it to be a pattern but my heads full of music most of the time so that's what comes up when I'm thinking title's. I guess I'll see how it goes.                                                      

Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door...

It's been a while since I've been here.

A lot of reasons why...been busy, family's around, not been inspired & truthfully just been lazy. But today I was listening to the song Human by The Killers and the line - 'sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door' - struck a chord within.

I hate change, I always have. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I start anything new - school, work, friendship, relationship etc. I may not like where I am at but for me it's better the devil you know. I hate stress, I like being comfortable and if I'm nervous I'm far from comfortable.

I am also sadly a control freak. I like things just so and if they aren't just so, it feels like my world is off kilter and I hate that. As you can imagine when it's something new it's not just so, it takes a while for you to get your bearings and figure things out. I don't like that, I like being comfortable all the damn time!!!

So how do you live in a world that's in a constant state of change. According to The Killers you 'close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord'...me, I prefer thinking worst case scenario and then doing what needs to be done. If worst case scenario doesn't occur, then it's all good and at some point I find my bearings and institute control over my new state of affairs.