What if?

I absolutely detest what if's, I find them to be time wasting and unproductive. I like living in the present, after all I can't change the past, what's done is done and can't be undone etc etc etc....and yet like most humans I can't help but embark on the what if journey every once in a while. Today's journey was brought to you courtesy of last night's dream of a past love...or should that be a nightmare? Anyway I have spent a significant part of my day wondering what brought on the dream, why I had the dream, whether the dream meant something and worst of all what if things had turned out differently.

I figure the dream happened because I'm back in Lagos bumping into old friends and being constantly reminded of a past life. And maybe because in that past life I truly thought my future life was with this dude...ha, little did I know! I would be lying if I said I don't have regrets but I am practical enough to realise that sh*t happens and life goes on. Living or wallowing in the past doesn't help especially when the other party has moved on and for all intents and purposes is living a very happy and settled life.

So I choose not to continue on this particular journey...boy am I glad there's only 8 mins left to the day. Here's hoping new day, new thoughts, living in the present.

And on that note I am mentally preparing myself for my literal journey back to the UK next week...to the cold, to Nisa, to Livability, and to my male Shatu who I have missed :)

It's been wonderful being in Lagos, seeing friends and family. Didn't get to see everyone...then again I guess I saw the people that wanted to see me and I had a blast with them. I'm a bit iffy on the 'seeing people on holiday' etiquette...see when people come to the UK I go to see them or meet them, I come to Lagos and I am supposed to get up to come see you in Lagos too...mehn the crack you smoke is the good stuff!!!

Do you see the truth through all those lies...

Last night was aaaaaaargh....and so I am making a conscious choice not to let anyone frustrate me or cause me endless worry, stress or sleepless nights.

I am only responsible for myself.

I cannot change anyone, fix anyone but me, and unlike Coldplay I am not even going to attempt to try. I am too busy battling with myself and dealing with my own demons and flaws to try and attack yours.

With adulthood comes freedom and with freedom comes responsibility. I have learnt that just because you can say or do something doesn't mean you should. I let common sense guide me, unlike knowledge, it's free and available for all. And if you possess none (which I hate to say it clearly seems you don't) that's what family, friends, community, church are there for....guidance, listen and learn. But that's all they can do...guide, not change. That's a DIY job.

I have also learnt to let compassion flow and dictate my actions towards others. And I try very hard not to judge. Trust me, you aren't all that either, and you've made mistakes as well.

I know who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I am in constant conflict with myself, some days are good, I improve...other days I regress but always I know who I want to be. How about you?


For the curious this is not directed towards anyone in particular but to the general community I reside in :)


Title is a play on the lyrics of Cry by James Blunt.

..You're breaking my heart...I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you please to come home...

Its amazing how something so minor when considered in the greater scheme of life can still manage to piss you off, make you lose your appetite and mess up the rest of your day.

This morning I left my house with an earring in each lobe, this evening I came back with one bare lobe. Somewhere between Old Street and Welwyn lies one expensive silver mesh hoop. I just couldn't have worn the cheap ass accessorize or topshop earrings could I, nope, had to wear the one my Mama gave me....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

Woosah...

So my relatively okay day ended on a low point and to drown my sorrows I decided to dive into a golden myriad mix of music via good old youtube... Chaka Khan's 'Through the Fire', Earth Wind & Fire's 'After the Love has Gone', Joni Mitchell's 'Both Sides Now', Billy Joel's 'Just the Way You Are' and 'Piano Man', Simon & Garfunkel's 'Cecilia' which led to Neil Diamonds 'Sweet Caroline'....which I used to loooooove so I'm in a better mood now and can happily go off to bed.

Title is from Cecilia.

I was going to put a link for Sweet Caroline, simply because it's the last song I listened to but decided to put Chaka Khan as I've been overplaying that song for over a week now....through the fire, to the limit, to the wall...through the fire, through whatever come what may...right down to the wire, even through the fire...loves it, enjoy!!!!

You know you've gotta have hope...

Have you ever looked back and tried to pinpoint that exact moment when things changed in your life, when you moved from one stage into the next. Sometimes it’s easy because some of those moments have markers that are celebrated - graduation, wedding day, birth of a child etc. Other times it’s much harder to pinpoint because the change was subtle, gradual, you wake up one morning and suddenly realise things have changed.

A few times you are lucky and you feel the change happening, maybe you foresee something, or the air around you feels different even though there’s no obvious change in your life, in your daily routine.

That’s where I am at. I woke up on Friday and everything felt different, felt hopeful, like something was about to happen, something great. Today is Tuesday and nothing has changed, nothing has happened, no phone call relaying wonderful news, no gorgeous stranger crossing my path, no numbers coming in on the lottery… but I’m still excited because everything still feels different.

Anyway it’s 7.11am and I need to get a move on unless I’ll miss the 7.25am bus to St. Albans. That’s the thing about living in the boonies, there’s a bus once every lifetime.

I grab my keys and head out the door. As I lock it behind me, like clockwork 99’s dog begins barking his little insane cujo head off, and like clockwork as I begin my power walk down the road I send a little mental curse…maybe today will be the day he meets a bat and greets his owner with a love bite…hey don’t judge, you try sleeping next door to a dog that never stops barking, it's a foolproof recipe for unending tiredness.

I resolve not to let Cujo or his owner spoil my mood and my day continues as normal, idiot boss, semi-idiot colleague, kfc for dinner, eastenders…time for bed….still hopeful.

I wake up Wednesday still hopeful, yep, change is coming. I can feel it!!

I grab my keys and head out the door and nothing, complete silence. Weird I’m thinking as I power walk to the bus stop, I can’t remember Cujo barking all night, in fact last time I heard him was yesterday morning. I wonder what happened to the little monster, maybe he's finally being treated right, I'm positive all that barking is a cry for help.

Great, neighbour 97 is at the bus stop, means the bus is yet to come. I slow down to a stroll, catch my breath, I’m going to need it. 97 is the Dot Cotton of the neighbourhood, knows where all the bodies are buried and will not hesitate to tell everyone’s business.  I barely get a ‘Good morning’ out before 97 launches into what I like to call my morning nutshell version of daily neighbourhood events.

I proceed to mentally spend my lottery winnings, it is Wednesday after all and I can feel change coming. I am just about to board my Gulfstream G550 when I realise 97 is looking at me expectantly. Shit! He asked me a question didn’t he?

‘Pardon’, I say, smiling as pleasantly as I can,

‘Hey, don’t worry’ he says, winking,

Ok, why would I be worried?  And why the hell is he winking at me? Thankfully the bus pulls to a stop in front of us and I make my way to the back seat, leaving 97 to his usual front row seat.

Later that evening, as I walk towards my house, I see 99 sitting on his front stoop. I send a neighbourly wave in his direction and he stands up and walks towards me.

‘You heard about Davey?’ he asks,

Davey, Davey, oh Cujo…‘No’, I reply, ‘is he ok, I didn’t hear him at all last night or this morning.’

‘They took him away’, he cries, ‘the RSPCA took him away.’

I make appropriate sympathy noises and escape into my house, to my kfc, corrie and bed.

I am currently lying in bed thinking about change, I am still feeling hopeful, it’s coming I know. I lie here contemplating in the stillness and quietness of the night. As my eyes sleepily close I realise my change has come, it’s in the stillness, in the quiet night, the peaceful night. No noise, no insane barking, no Cujo. That's my change, the end of Cujo and the beginning of restful nights. 

As I drift off to lala land I make a mental note...don't forget to thank semi-idiot colleague for calling the RSPCA.

Title - Gabrielle's Dreams 

P.S - Cujo is very much alive, at home and barking as I type, poor dog, but a girl can dream :)

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

Title is the tagline from the film The Shawshank Redemption, one of my favourite films.

It's a pretty simple concept, fear crippling you, hope shoring you up...

There are two quotes on hope in the film that resonate with me. Towards the end the protagonist states that 'Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things...', a complete opposite of what was stated to him earlier that 'Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane'.

People who know me well would probably guess that I identify more with the latter quote. A lot of the time life is about hoping, advertently or inadvertently, we are constantly hoping. In all situations, that things turn out for the best, that a positive outcome is realised. Sometimes hope is abstract, oft times it's specific to a particular matter. At all times it has the ability to drive a person insane.

It's that idea of hoping for the best, constantly hoping for the best and having to adapt/adjust when it doesn't pan out. And what's crazy is we keep hoping, even when everything points to things not working out, we keep hoping till the very last minute. It's like cold comfort, and when things constantly don't work out, that's when insanity may set in.

But despite it's ability to drive you insane, I don't knock hope because it literally keeps you alive, keeps you going, especially in dark and difficult times.

Hope and faith (if you are fortunate enough to believe) shore you up and sometimes if you are lucky and the gods are with you, it does pan out, a'la Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, and then you can look back and see hope as the best of things.

If I can help somebody while I travel along...with a word or song...Lord my living shall not be in vain...

I went for the funeral service of an elderly acquaintance of mine today. His name was Derek and we went to the same church. He was in his mid-eighties and was truly one of the nicest, warmest people I've come across in my life. He gave the biggest hugs and he had this huge smile that lit up his face. Every Sunday I was guaranteed at least a minimum of 2 hugs and lots of smiles.

As I sat in church today listening to people's memories about him, my emotions as could be expected veered between sadness and laughter, but I also felt regret. Regret for not taking the opportunity to get to know him better because he took the time out every sunday to seek me out and say hello, to ask after my health, my family and life in general. I regret not making more of an effort to seek him out especially this last year when he was poorly, to let him know I appreciated his kindness, his warmth and his endeavours to always make me feel welcome and comfortable. I especially regret missing the last church lunch he invited me to as his date. One of the last times I saw him was on a tuesday outside the supermarket across the road from church and Derek spied me, came over and asked that I follow him to the church coffee morning he was on his way to...unfortunately I couldn't go because I had pilates and we laughed about that, I promised to attend the next coffee morning but of course I didn't.

Derek wasn't just kind to me, he was kind to everybody. My mama got a hug as well but mine he laughingly always made sure was always more special. If she got a handshake, I got a hug. If she got a hug, I got a hug and a peck on the cheek. That's just how he was, charming and funny, with everybody. The memories in church today were poignant but beautiful. They spoke about a man who lived his faith, he selflessly gave of himself time and time again, visiting the sick, volunteering his time and car as transportation etc. They spoke of a man I would love to know, to learn from; a man I could have known and learnt from if only I had seen beyond my self and my world.

I am glad and thankful that I met him and knew him, even if only as an acquaintance, even if only a little, because that little was enough in it's own way.

Seeing him always put a smile on my face and as I remember you today Derek, I remember you with a smile on my face. I will miss your hugs and I pray that your soul may rest in perfect peace.


P.S - My title is from an old Mahalia Jackson gospel song. Words are simple and to the point. If you've never checked out Mahalia Jackson, please do so, especially if you like gospel music...traditional gospel. I love her rendition of the hymn 'It is well with my soul', hauntingly beautiful. Her voice is amazing.

Ridin' through this world...

I'm not a tv person, I'd rather read a good book. But every once in a while I discover a tv series I like and as I usually discover them after they have been on for years I have a lot of catching up to do. So as one with a borderline addictive insular personality I will focus completely on that series to the exclusion of all else in my life.

I have just watched the last episode of season 3 of a show called Son's of Anarchy. I have spent the last week or so watching all episodes of the 3 seasons.

SOA is a US drama series that premiered in 2008. It's about SAMCROW, an outlaw motorcycle club...think Hell's Angels.

The story-telling is fantastic. There's a Hamlet theme going on mixed in with a mafia mob like element that surrounds the club and then of course there's the drama of the complexity of human relationships, all set in what seems to be a small town in California. Even the violence shown, and quite a lot is shown, hasn't put me off the show. And to top it all off, there are a few funny lines thrown in.

Lastly SOA has hands down the best ever soundtrack I have ever heard on any tv program. Every single song played complements the scene(s) it accompanies and the lyrics...wow, just wow.

I'm just going to end by saying SOA rocks and season four can't get here too soon for me.

Title - it's from the theme song of SOA This Life.

P.S - third or fourth post in a week....hmmm...is the drought over?